We all know Trump’s orangutan-like skin tone puts him superficially closer to a basketball than most people, but did you know that many everyday objects are as qualified- and as orange- as Trump is for the job?
Shitty Orange Flip Flops
These retail at who gives a shit steal five pair, and are made of exactly eight minutes of Third World suffering. They’re itchy, coated in radioactive cadmium, and, quite frankly, tacky. They’ve never done anything besides frustrating and hobbling consumers. Orange Flip Flips didn’t win the popular vote either, and they’re just as qualified as the Donald.
Tangerine Power-Bottom Tchotchke
What can I say that the photo doesn’t already scream from within some creep’s in-home dungeon? His presidency has bent over a lot of people, so why not have this submissive statuette as Commander in Chief instead?
Stock Photo of a Pumpkin
This was lifted directly from Mr. Trump’s personal high school yearbook, found in an area labelled “Best.” We have reason to believe Kelly Anne Conway blew Vlad Putin, and that reason is complete horseshit. A framed pumpkin pic would make an excellent substitute for POTUS, since they typically aren’t chaotic demagogues and don’t hate foreigners.
That photo is everything I’m not. Sad.
Unborn Tropicana Juice
Despite being the orange juice equivalent of fetuses, these oranges could easily work together to- as a team- outperform our current president. Added bonuses: Fetal OJ doesn’t sexually assault women, hang out with Billy Bush, or want to bang Ivanka Trump.
Trump-Brand Rape Whistle
It’s bigger than his hands, and he uses them for… don’t ask.
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